After years of wondering hows and whys,
months of sleepless nights, days of depressions and what-ifs, I finally know what
I want. When things fall so nicely like this, it makes me wonder why I bothered
thinking before. It’s not happening once or twice, countless. The same thing
that causes the same pain happens again and again, because I let myself be. I
don’t know what had made me so stupid. I don’t want someone who sticks with me
through thick and thin. All I want is to be appreciated. I don’t want the one I
love to give up on me. I began to care so much when I come across a saying that
said ‘you get what you give’. True but I was blindly giving all the care,
towards everyone, not caring the fact that they do not worth it. I don’t
understand myself so I don’t even bothered expecting if you can understand me.
I’m tired of bullshits that I seek for. I’m putting a full stop, with every
power and force I demand myself to start fresh. I finally realized that I can’t
put my happiness on one person, because I’ve seen them gone. I look into the
mirror and I found hope. I’m not alone, but even if I am, I'm not afraid anymore because I know I can always rely on Him. I use to wonder why I cant be happy, why that I'm always depressed. I understand it all now. I'm just too attached with an imagination created by illusion of the heart. "if you want the dunya to stop breaking your heart, stop giving it to the dunya. Give your heart to Allah" I may not be strong enough to stand by myself. I may not be able to stop myself from the bad habits in a short while. I may never be perfect but i promise myself that I'm going to learn and be better day by day. InsyaAllah.
